For Insanity
by kher
Summary: Emperor Doel muses about his former love, his brother, and the insanity that is the basis for his suffering. R


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For Insanity 

Disclaimer: In no way, shape, or form do I own LoD. If I did, do you really think that Dart would survive? *evil grin*

Author's Notes: So Doel is a cool character; everyone knows that. Then why did he have to die?!? Anyway Doel muses about Carlos, Karina, and his mental stability. Fun, right? Please tell me what you think.

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"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." - Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

I find myself, even now, wandering through the dark corners of mind. I remember a time when I was surrounded by the people that cared the most about me; it was a happy time, filled with laughter and light. Now I find myself drifting back to that place, my haven from the real world. 

Expressionless, haunting, specters live within invisible scars that still taint my soul. I suppose that I seem a little insane, but we all have trouble with our mental stability now and then, right? 

But I have _you_ to thank for my suffering, Carlos. Brother, are you still watching over me with that moronic grin on your face? I suppose that you think that you have won, even after I took your life. Why do you still haunt me? Is it guilt, or is it something more? Your life was taken because _you_ were wrong; _you_ were the tyrant. Then why am I the one being punished? I did what was right, and yet I have become the wicked uncle that exists only to inflict suffering on others. 

Many thanks, brother.

And it pains me to think that you are with _her. _Did you really think that, after all of those years, you could hide your feelings from me? I perfected the ability of hiding one's emotions; of course I would catch you. Your ignorance led you down the path of ultimate destruction, but, as they still say, ignorance is bliss. You wanted to steal her away, did you not? I can still hear the wheels of you feeble mind, turning, calculating, and forming a plot against me.

But they say that I am the manipulative one; it is such a pity that _they_ never met you, Carlos. 

Karina, love, I never once blamed you until now. Can you hear your own voice gently echoing in my head? Do you even realize that I can still feel your soft caress? No, you would not know, would you? You are just a figure from the past, and no matter how much I try, no mater how much I struggle, I can not push you outside of my mind. But when it is all said and done, you have not returned to my side.

Pitiful, is it not? As hard as I try, I will never be able to move away from the past. Even after my death, I will wander across Endiness until I can find redemption. I will be trapped, for eternity, in a world that has turned its back on me. Just thinking about never seeing your face again drives me mad. But then I convince myself that such a thing would never come to pass, and my pain nearly vanishes. Then something triggers a memory, and the cycle of my insanity begins again. 

Suffering, denial, relief, and suffering once more, that is my life now.

Even after I built that damned monument, the madness still returned. It came back in full force, writhing, pushing, and pulling within my devastated soul. It spreads as if it was some sort of disease, slowly at first, but then it gains some momentum and my world is sent crashing down. Soon there will be nothing left of me; I have known that for such a long time. I will become nothing more than an old senile man with no one to care for him. I am no longer capable of trusting people; I can't even trust myself. You took that away when you died, Karina; you took so much away. I can no longer believe in the good or the righteous; it seems such things belong in a fairytale. That was taken away from me when your light turned into darkness. All that I have left is a meaningless war and a dying dream. I will follow the path that has been laid out for me until my bonds that keep me here are destroyed. And after I am put to rest, I will be known as the king that never was. 

And I'll be damned before I admit this to anyone else.

Consider yourself lucky that you know.

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~Fin~ 


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